Six Traits for Healthy Families (Part three of a series)
“Lizzy and Seth, want to make homemade biscuits with grandpa and surprise your momma and papa when they wake up?” asked my husband on our recent vacation to Houston. “Yes, Gampa!” replied 3-year-old Lizzy. “You bet, grandpa, we want to help,” said six-year-old Seth.
Because our daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren live in Houston, much of our communication with her and her family is by telephone and e-mails. But, for our 40th anniversary my husband and I visited our daughter and her family in Houston. The visit gave us many opportunities to communicate, catch up of things we had not talked about, and spend precious time together. Where did the years go? It seems like yesterday that my husband was teaching our three children how to make the Meyer homemade biscuit recipe.
This month we continue the series on the six traits of healthy families. This column focuses on positive communication and spending time together.
Positive communication involves more than just talking, it also involves listening attentively. Sometimes members of families spend time talking about things that happen every day, their feelings and emotions, and at other times, we communicate to figure out a way to address a challenge someone in the family faces.
The following is an example of problem solving through positive communication. “My 9-year-old daughter came home from school upset because another student was bullying her and calling her names, “ shared Roland. “My wife and I asked Erica a lot of questions to find out what was upsetting her. We listened carefully. Then the three of brainstormed various ways Erica might handle the situation alone and how we might do it together. Finally we agreed that she and I (her father) would go and talk to her teacher. The goal was to resolve it. During this process her mother and I discussed the fact that the other girl might not deal with it in the same way as our daughter. We asked her, ‘Erica how will you react if “Mary” gets angry at you for talking to Mrs. Johnson about this situation?’ We discussed what Matt. 18 says about resolving conflict Biblically. We also prayed. During the prayer we asked the Lord to help resolve this issue and help Erica and the other girl forgive each other for any hurts they had inflicted upon each other. We wanted our daughter to understand that her faith in Christ impacts every area of her life.”
During my conversation with this father, he shared one of his favorite prayers, “Lord I’ve messed up again. Please fix it and help me not to do it ever again.” Sounds like a prayer we can all use!
Here’s another example of using communication for problem solving as we help children grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Six-year old Matthew had a difficult time controlling his anger. When he gets angry he sometimes says inappropriate things to others. His parents work with him and help him learn how to deal with his anger appropriately. Recently he went on a family walk with his extended family, Matthew got angry with his favorite uncle because he accidentally caused him to drop his ice cream cone. Although his uncle apologized immediately Matthew still said some hurtful things.
Matthew’s parents talked to Seth and his uncle about what had occurred. They wanted to make sure they had all the facts. Then they gave their son time out. After a few minutes they talked to him again about what happened. They encouraged him to go and tell his uncle he was sorry. When he was ready he went and apologized to his uncle for what he had said. “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”His uncle gave him a big hug and said, “Sure, I forgive you.”This story reminds me that God’s Word tells children to obey and honor their parents and encourages parents to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Father’s do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:1-4).
But, communication isn’t only used to solve problems. Communication should involve enjoying each other’s company and spending lots of time together. One way to do this is to share stories and create positive traditions. Stories and traditions are often remembered for a lifetime. Does your family tell stories? Telling stories is one way families communicate and spend time together. It helps them understand their history. One of my favorite stories was hearing my mother tell the story of when she met my dad. Joseph Schoenberger was at a skating rink in St. Louis and met a pretty young woman named Eunice. He wanted to impress her. But it was his first time at a skating rink and every time he tried to skate he fell down! She would laugh and laugh as she told us that story. But, he persevered and learned to skate. And, eventually she allowed him to take her home. The rest is history.
Statistics related to communication show that families don’t spend much time communicating. They indicate that the average father in the United States only spends a little over 7 minutes a week communicating with his children! Couples spend 17 minutes a week communicating! Marriage and family therapist frequently pinpoint lack of communication or poor communication as a major source of family concern. Don’t allow the above statistics to cause your family problems! Take time to communicate and spend time together!
Turn off the TV and other electronic devises and eat a meal together. Begin each meal with a prayer. The following prayer is one my three-year-old granddaughter taught us while we were in Houston. “Tick, tock goes the clock…now it’s time to pray. Then sing: “God our Father, God our Father, once again, once again. We will ask your blessing. We will ask your blessing. Amen. Amen.”
During meals ask each person to tell the best thing that happened to them that day. Make sure each person gets a chance to talk. Then take a walk after dinner together. Or get into the car for a mystery trip. We took mystery trips with our children when they were young. We would tell them we were going on a mystery ride, but wouldn’t tell them where we were going. Then we’d do something they would enjoy and was inexpensive. Sometimes it was to get an ice cream, play miniature golf, bowl, a playground, or feeding the ducks at the park. While you spend time together talk about your faith in Christ! And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise (Deuronomy 6:7.)
Kay L. Meyer is the president of Family Shield Ministries, host of its radio program, and a popular Christian author and speaker. The Family Shield radio program can be heard on AM 850 KFUO on Saturdays at 11:05 a.m. and Sundays at 7:05 p.m. in St. Louis. It is also heard in nine other stations. To contact Meyer go to: KLMeyer@worldnet.att.net, www.familyshieldministries.com or (314) 772-6070.
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